


The Human Emotion Designated Love

by purpleeyesandbowties



Category: The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Croach and Sparks are bad at talking about their feelings, M/M, Sparks and Croach are name-calling manchildren, i'm kind of sorry but not really, the Barkeep intervenes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 11:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2227353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpleeyesandbowties/pseuds/purpleeyesandbowties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Croach experiences several confusing emotions at once and Sparks makes an unexpected discovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Human Emotion Designated Love

“The Saloon doors are open,” the AI announced to the nearly empty saloon. Barkeep glanced up to see his newest costumer seating himself uncomfortably at the bar.

  
“It’s been a while since I last seen you in my place, Croach,” he remarked, turning around to fix a drink. He expertly slid a sarsaparilla down the counter, where it came to a stop in front of the martian.

  
“This one’s on the house, so long as you don’t bring no trouble with you to my place.”

  
Croach sighed warily and accepted the cold mug. “Human designated the Barkeep, I am under small onus to you for this non-alcoholic drink and the lack of tabulation associated with it.”  
“Aw, t’ain’t nothin’ at all. You can repay that onus of yours by tellin’ me what exactly’s on your mind.”

  
“Shall I not be under further onus to you for burdening you with the troubles that were before the moment I unburden them to you, mine?”

  
Barkeep chuckled and shook his head. “Tellin’ your woes to a friend don’t come with no onus attached.”

  
After a moment of deliberation, Croach said, “I am under onus to you for your designation of ‘friend’ in reference to myself. It is because of this onus that I shall tell you the events that bring me here to your drinking establishment. I am...experiencing several confusing human emotions at once. The human emotion designated ‘sadness’ is the most prevalent of them. I feel this sadness in conjunction with thoughts of the brood I thought to be belonging to me and the human Sparks Nevada, but were in fact the offspring of the Jupitarian spy, Jib Janeen. Another emotion I am experiencing is restlessness, a common reaction of denizens of G'loot Praktaw whose offspring perished or was taken from them. I feel the need to become fertilized once more and produce a brood of strong offspring. The third emotion I am feeling is anger, directed toward the Jupitarian spy and the one whom I thought to be the fertilizer of my ovum.”

  
Explaination finished, Croach knocked back his drink and looked expectantly at the Barkeep.

  
Barkeep said, “So, what you’re sayin’ is, you’re grievin’ for your babies who never was your babies in the first place, you want to make some more babies who is really yours this time, assuming you get yourself properly fertilized this time?”

  
“Yes, this is exactly what I said.”

  
“And you’re mad at the Jupe that stole your babies, understandable. But why’re you mad at the marshal?”

  
“The saloon doors are open,” the AI’s cool voice said, cutting off the conversation. Through the open saloon doors strode the marshal himself.  
“Barkeep, I need a beer. Or two. Or—aw, no. Croach, what are you doin’ here? I came here to get away from you.”

  
“Is there a problem, Marshal? Iffin the two of you are brewin’ trouble, I ask you to kindly remove it from my place,” Barkeep said.

  
Glowering, Sparks plopped down a seat away from Croach. “No need for that, Barkeep. I can be civil if Croach the Tactless here can.”

  
“Intentional misdesignation, hilarious. Excellent employment of Earth humor, Sparks Nevada. Your proper designation is Sparks the Human, but if I were given the choice I would designate you Sparks the Butt-milk.”

  
Sparks stood up so fast his stool crashed to the ground. Croach’s stool quickly followed.  
“Oh yeah? Well, I’d designate you Croach the Moron! Or Croach the Guy-Who-Don’t-Think! Or—”

  
Barkeep slammed his hands on the countertop, silencing them. He said, “Normally, I’d be kickin’ you troublemakers out of my place faster than my wife can shoot a trouble. But you two are my friends and it don’t please me to see my friends at each other’s throats. You two have got some makin’ up to do, and you ain’t leavin’ here till it’s done. You hear?

  
“I hear,” Sparks said grouchily.

  
“And you, Croach?”

  
“I audibly detect you with four of my senses, yes.”

  
Barkeep crossed his arms. “Good. Now, why don’t we start from the beginning of this little quarrel of yours.”

  
Sparks’ cheeks reddened. “Aw, com’on Barkeep. Right now, in front of people?”

  
Barkeep gestured to the only other occupied table near the back. “Only people here right now are Felton and the Widow Johnson, and they too caught up in each other’s eyes to care.”

  
“I am present,” the AI announced cheerfully.

  
Ignoring her, Barkeep turned back to his friends. He waited. Croach, seeing that Sparks was in the sulking mood rather than the explaining-things mood, said, “Our ‘quarrel’ began this afternoon when I, upon the request of Sparks Nevada and believing it would lessen my onus to tell him, began to describe the emotions I was feeling just as I described them to you, Barkeep. I relayed my desire to become re-fertilized. He did not wish to fertilize me when I requested it of him.”

  
“Yeah, because it’s gross.”

  
“It is not gross, Sparks Nevada, it is natural and glorious.”

  
“Yeah, well, we’re pals, Croach. Pals don’t have weird alien sex and knock the other pal up. It just don’t happen.”

  
“It did happen. Recently, in fact.”

  
“Yeah, because that Jupiter spy kissed you using my body, which is so gross—wait, how did that even happen?”

  
“The Jupitarian spy, while masquerading as you, Sparks Nevada, approached me after the day’s work was complete." Croach’s cheeks turned a darker shade of blue and he cleared his throat before continuing. “He said…some things… and then he kissed me.”

  
“What kinda things did he say?” Sparks asked suspiciously.

  
“It is not of import what he said.”

  
“The heck it ain’t! Whatever he said made you suddenly okay with me kissin’ you, which is totally out of the normal. What’d he say, Croach?”

  
Croach glanced to the Barkeep who gave him a stern look. “What’d the Jupiter spy say to you, Croach?” he prompted.

  
“He said that he…felt strong romantic emotions for me and wished for us copulate.”

  
“And you went along with it? Why?” Sparks demanded.

  
Croach folded his arms, his whole face turning dark blue. “I refuse to answer that question,” he said coldly.

  
Slowly, Sparks sat down, a realization dawning on him. “Wait….you’re tellin’ me…Croach, you—got romantic feelins’ for me?”

  
Croach looked at the floor and said nothing. Shell-shocked, Sparks stared at his best friend and tried to remember what breathing was like.  
Eventually, Croach said, “You were the first being to see my feet. When you stimulated my egg sacks and gazed upon my feet, we were mated in the eyes of G'loot Praktaw. I am sure some residual hormones from that incident are causing this emotion.”

  
“That was years ago! All those hormones have gotta be long gone. Even the baby-having hormones must be gone by now.”

  
“However unlikely, it must be the explanation, because denizens of G'loot Praktaw do not have romantic attachment to humans!” Croach cried out.

  
Frustrated, Sparks shot back, “Well, humans ain’t supposed to be feelin' things for no marjuns either, but here we both are!”

  
A sudden silence hung between them. Sparks took a step back, realizing what he’d just said. “I mean—”

  
He stopped, started again, stopped again, gave an exasperated sigh and shuffled closer to Croach. “Croach, I’ve never been much good at feelins’, much less feelins’ I didn’t know I had till right now. And I’m even less good at talkin’ about ‘em, so I ain’t even gonna try." Sparks stepped closer still, until he could feel the unnatural amount of body heat Croach always seemed to produce. Croach instinctively rocked onto the balls of his feet, gaining the few remaining inches, so that their noses were inches apart.

  
“Sparks Nevada, are we about to engage in the physical human ritual of mouth-kissing?” he half-whispered.

  
“Oh, just shut up and do it,” Sparks whispered back.

  
The Barkeep smiled and returned to work, giving his friends the privacy they deserved.

~~~

The kiss wasn't anything spectacular. A quick, self-conscious press of lips, both parties acutely aware of their public location. It was over almost immediately. Wordlessly, they left the saloon, a safe two feet of space between them. Sparks' feet automatically carried him to the marshal station and Croach followed him there.

  
Sparks turned the lights on and the AI off and pseudo-causally leaned against his desk. They stood facing each other for a few long moments. "So...that happened," he said, breaking the silence.

  
Croach nodded, but didn't speak. Sparks glanced around the room, awkwardly avoiding eye contact. Quietly, Croach said, "I would not be opposed if it were to happen again."

  
Sparks bit his lip, suddenly feeling shy. His voice uncertain, he croaked, "um...yeah. Iffin you want to, I want to, too."

  
Croach nodded again and took a deep breath. They both leaned in, eyes screwed shut like they were twelve year olds playing spin-the-bottle at a slumber party. The second kiss was just as unremarkable as the first, tentative and questioning and more than a little bit awkward. Sparks' lips landed on the edge of Croach's mouth, so he opened one eye a smidgen to readjust. Lips finally in the right place, he closed his eyes again. After a moment, they both relaxed. Sparks slowly put his arms around Croach's waist.

  
The kisses that followed were remarkably more remarkable.

  
Suddenly feeling less shy than he had moments before, Sparks ghosted his tongue over Croach's bottom lip, a question. The answer was an open-mouthed invitation. Croach leaned against Sparks, hands tangled in the marshal's hair. Sparks' hands found a comfortable perch on Croach's narrow hips. He gave a surprised grunt when Croach's second tongue entered the game.Croach's hand just brushed Sparks' belt buckle when Sparks pulled away.

  
"Woah, woah, Croach. At least take me out for dinner first."

  
Confused, Croach said, "Sparks Nevada, I am we'll aware that it is your way to quickly establish a sexual connection with the women you court. I assumed the same would hold true in this instance."

  
"Yeah, well, maybe I don't wanna this time."

  
"You...do not wish to copulate with me?"

  
Oh, great. Now he'd hurt the guy's feelings.

  
"Oh, no, I totally do--"

  
"Then I do not see the problem,"

  
"--but... In case you haven't noticed, my relationships don't really ever end well. I just thought I should to take it slow, ya know? I mean... aw, I'm doin' an awful job of explainin'. I just-- I don't want this one to be like the others. This is you an' me, Croach. You're my best friend and faithful companion. If I screw this one up, there ain't no goin' back."

  
Croach nodded solemnly. "I understand your way of thinking. I am under onus to you for your consideration."

  
Sparks nodded. "Good. I'm glad we understand each other."

  
A moment later, Croach said, "Sparks Nevada, may we resume kissing?"

  
"Yeah, let's do that."

**Author's Note:**

> Tis is the first fic I've ever posted. Eep. Thanks for reading and if anyone ever wants to rant about these dumb nerds with me, you can find me on tumblr.


End file.
